Southwest Florida Employment Law Blog : Southwest Florida Employment and Labor Lawyers & Attorneys for Discrimination Lawsuits and Civil Rights Cases in Fort Myers, Bonita Springs & Sanibel FL

*Note to readers:  We've had multiple requests to bring back Miss Blu, so here we go!  From now on we will feature a Miss Blu Employee Handbook Policy every other month. 

For those of you who have asked, I am not Miss Blu.  As her bio states, Miss Blu is the alter ego, if you will, of an actual HR professional here in Southwest Florida.  I've had a few guesses as to Miss Blu's identity, but so far no one has been close.  Besides, I've been sworn to secracy, so I'm not going to spill even if you're right! 

We start with a Miss Blu policy I'm sure anyone with teenagers or other avid texters can appreciate -- text speak!  Hope you all enjoy.  Suzanne*

MEMO

F$om: Miss Blu* n HR

2: ees

Re:  Texting Policy

U can't text ur boss, k? not allowEd.  :(  u will b fiiiired if u do per ceo eff now.  C HR w ?s, k?

*Miss Blu is the nom de plume for a Human Resources professional who lives and works in Southwest Florida. You can find her complete biography here.

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MEMO

From:  Miss Blu in HR

To:  All Employees

Re:  Perfume Assaults Policy

It has been brought to the attention of HR that some employees feel (okay, ONE employee feels) assaulted by the ridiculous amounts of perfume some of you are wearing, so HR created the following policy, which is effective immediately.

Perfume Assaults Policy:  It is this Company's policy that all employees shall refrain from assaulting other employees with perfume.  As you all know, some of us (or one of us!) may be allergic or have some sort of other aversion to smelling perfumes or other scents, and of course HR must try to accommodate these people.  Thus, all employees are forbidden from wearing perfume in the office, because heaven forbid the perfume waft over into someone else's breathing space.  Spraying perfume or any other scent on yourself while in the office is strictly prohibited.

As part of your daily grooming practices, you may use hair products, deodorant, and the like.  However, none of these products can be scented/perfumed because if someone smells you, they may be assulted, and you know we cannot allow that to happen.

HR will begin to patrol the office to ensure compliance with this policy.  Those employees found smelling too "perfumey" will be sent home to re-groom in accordance with this policy.  Repeat violators will be disciplined.

*Miss Blu is the nom de plume for a Human Resources professional who lives and works in Southwest Florida.  You can find her complete biography here.

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 MEMO

From:  Miss Blu* in HR

To:  All Employees

Re:  Birthday Decorations Policy

HR has recently learned that some employees are discussing and even <gasp> displaying other employees' ages on birthday decorations in the workplace.  In this day and age of getting sued for everything, the Company simply cannot tolerate the added risk of an age discrimination lawsuit based on such shenanigans.  Therefore, HR has written the following Birthday Decorations Policy:

                                                              Birthday Decorations Policy

Effectively immediately, no one is allowed to discuss their ages with their co-workers -- not even on your birthday.

If you are hosting a little cubical party for one of your co-workers and are tempted to get an "Over the Hill" banner, do not, or you will be found to be in violation of this policy.  And don't even think about buying brightly colored Mylar balloons that say something like "Happy 30th Birthday."

Additionally, numbered birthday candles for the top of a cake for a co-worker's birthday cake will not be tolerated. If numbered candles are found, the perpetrator will be forced to eat the wax candles in front of the HR Director and then send a company-wide email admitting violation of this policy and apologizing to the birthday person.

In fact, come to think of it, wishing someone a happy birthday is too risky as well, as it indicates that person has turned another year older and, by acknowledging the birthday, the company could be blamed for age discrimination. So you are forbidden from wishing any co-worker a happy birthday effective immediately.

HR is committed to keeping this company protected from getting sued for birthday-related age discrimination, so we will be patrolling the halls looking intently for someone who is in violation of this policy, especially on days we know (and, after all,  we are HR and we know everything!) to be someone's birthday.

 *Miss Blu is the nom de plume for a Human Resources professional who lives and works in Southwest Florida.  You can find her complete biography here.

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MEMO

To:   All Employees  

From:   Miss Blu* in HR

Re:  Workplace Policy #101:  Drinking at Company Party

As you are aware, the company party is coming up this weekend. HR is concerned that some employees will get snockered at this event. Since some of those in HR plan on getting wasted as well, HR has put into place some guidelines for all employees who choose to consume alcoholic beverages. 

You should have someone who is sober drive you home or you should have someone call you a cab if:

• You are taking off articles of clothing (you have had too much to drink)
• You are vomiting at any point in the evening (you have had too much to drink) 
• You are starting to bad mouth the boss and/or company (you definitely have had too much to drink) 
• You are falling down, "tripping" or running into walls or other objects (you are drunk)
• You start hitting on the busboy in front of your date/escort (you are probably intoxicated and should seek alternate ways home, unless the busboy offers to take you home, then your problem is solved)
• You think you sound good when you sing the karaoke version of My Achy Breaky Heart (enough said -- you are wasted)

HR requests that the above guidelines be followed on Saturday. If anyone has any questions, please see HR. Failure to follow these guidelines could result in disciplinary action, up to and including immediate termination.

*Miss Blu is the nom de plume for a Human Resources professional who lives and works in Southwest Florida.  You can find her complete biography here.

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